I didn’t want to write about a moment in which I was honored. I wanted to write about how important it is to offer honor to others. My husband heard me talk about what I wanted to say and he asked: “Why don’t you write about how you were honored when I departed from the presidency?” I had totally forgotten about that event and I blushed when he brought the moment to memory.
Moments of being honored are few in this life. The closest we get is a yearly birthday, or major events of passage like graduating from college, or anniversaries with a zero at the end. It would be far easier to write about times in my life where I felt harmed than when I felt honored.
Why is it so hard to receive glory?
We were off to our five-year anniversary retreat with The Allender Center team. Dan and I stopped by the school to pick up Rachael and, thankfully, she helped us navigate Seattle’s Friday afternoon traffic, road closures and HOV lanes. What a joy to have young comrades in this life. Jeanette had found an amazing home on the beach on Camano Island and we were all anticipating a weekend together. The surprise for the first night was that The Seattle School’s president, Keith Anderson, was coming to speak to us.
Around six that evening Keith walked through the door and I greeted him and thanked him for coming. He candidly asked where the bathroom was because four hours of bumper-to-bumper traffic was hard on a sixty-six year old bladder. Oh, I get that and it made me understand his sacrifice more clearly. I was well aware that the multiple hour drive, dinner, honoring us, driving back to Seattle, waiting for the ferry and taking the ferry home would mean a long night alone for not only him, but for his wife Wendy too. It would likely be more than six hours before he would finally lay his head on his pillow.
Keith and Wendy moved from Iowa to become our academic dean in 2006. We were overwhelmed with our good fortune. They had spent their entire careers with higher Christian education and we were grateful for their move to Seattle. It seemed too good to be true. After Dan had served as president for nine years I had a hard time imagining anyone who would willingly say yes to the job. It had been costly for us as a couple for Dan to be president. Over and over again I saw how the leader has to take ownership of failure even when it might not have been their fault. I learned that every error under Dan’s watch eventually had to be owned as his responsibility. I grew weary of the cost of leadership. I prayed for a successor.
When Keith was offered the presidency Wendy said she felt God had prepared him for this position his entire career and was perfect for it. Our joy was overflowing to hand over the institution to such a gifted and qualified man.
Our last dinner with the board was a night to honor my husband. Our board members work without pay and recognition. They are men and women who have degrees and careers that have honed amazing skills sorely needed by a young, thinly budgeted graduate school. That night I felt overwhelmed at how they had helped us navigate the birth and chaos of starting a new graduate school. I could barely contain both the gratitude I felt for their service and the guilt I felt for all that they had done with so little recognition. The night should have also been a celebration of their service.
Keith and the board told stories about my husband’s boldness and courage and at times his less than sensible ways of doing things. At what I thought was the end of the night, Keith gave my husband exactly what he had asked for (unbeknownst to me) which was a $19.99 Nordstrom’s gift certificate. Why? I have no clue, but it’s part of my husband’s odd sense of humor.
Then Keith invited me up to stand with Dan. Almost everything that occurred is a blur. I am so sad that what was bestowed was mostly lost in the haze of my awkwardness. Keith began by saying: “This school would never have come to exist without the sacrifice and wisdom of this woman.”
My legs were weak and I felt Dan’s arms tighten around me. I should have reveled in the glory but it was too much to take in. It was Dan’s night, not mine and somehow, this man of immense honor was honoring me. As he ended (I feared he would go on forever) he announced that the school was gifting me with one thousand dollars given in my name to the sex trafficking organization that I served as a volunteer.
As awkward as I felt, I knew in my bones that it is what my soul needed to receive. The journey had been costly and long. Many friends were lost and irreversible decisions were made. How could a gesture and a few words so deeply touch my heart? One only needs to remember the end of the Lord of Rings series at Aragorn’s coronation.
After Gandolf puts the crown on Aragorn’s head, he goes to Arwen, his future wife, and they go to the hobbits. The hobbits bow down from their waists. Aragorn says, “My friends, you bow to no one.” And he gets on his knees before them. The entire kingdom follows their king. The hobbits are stunned, though there is some indication of delight.
There is no way to take away the pain or the exhaustion from our journey. But there is a day, and not too far away, when the King of Kings will place his crown on our head and say: “Welcome my good and faithful servant.” It is what my heart aches to hear. Perhaps, even more it aches to believe. Will I one day be crowned and the host of the Kingdom bow to my paltry service? I don’t know. And when I see the clip, when I remember Keith’s words—I know it is not only my destiny, but yours as well.
Becky Allender lives on Bainbridge Island with her loving, wild husband of 38 years. A mother and grandmother, she is quite fond of sunshine, yoga, Hawaiian quilting and creating 17th Century reproduction samplers. A community of praying women, loving Jesus, and the art of gratitude fill her life with goodness. She wonders what she got herself into with Red Tent Living! bs
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Your sweet heart is so evidenced in all of this. Leadership is such a sacrificial job, the depths of which only God knows completely. Thank you for sharing and pointing us towards the day, that as you say we’ll be blessed by God’s hand directly and rewarded for what we see now as our paltry service. Who is like God? How wonderful it is to know He sees everything we do, good and bad, yet is set to honor? Love you!
Yes…Who is like God and how wonderful He sees us. Thank you for the encouragement, Laura!!!!
Once again, beautiful words of heart, Becky.
Keep writing. Please.
Thank you Joanie!!! Thank you.
I have lately had an idea about glory that goes like this: God made all things for His glory. And, perhaps, we, as His bride, His treasured possession, are His glory. He made all things for us. For us! But we get to choose what to do with it all. Sacrificial giving, hard work which seems never ending, loving till it hurts, and then loving more? These choices bring Him glory, and, since I have met you and Dan, this is what I have seen and experienced: you two bring glory to our King. And it is to this that I am drawn. You being honored makes perfect sense, and I only wish I’d been there. I would have sung a song of our King to both of you!
Dear Kelli, your kind words: “you two bring glory to our King. And it is to this that I am drawn. You being honored makes perfect sense, and I only wish I’d been there. I would have sung a song of our King to both of you!” You bless me over and over again.
I love everything about this. Thank you for making the choice to write about it; to let us witness this most deserving moment for you. Your sharing only serves to reveal what we all know to be true of you – your deep humility. And your writing – – your writing! – – again it sings.
Thank you, Jan. How very, very kind you are and I appreciate your words.
I love this, AND I feel sad. And grateful that you are showing up on the page for yourself first. Courageous. To take up space. To take your place. Blessings.
Thank you Sue. Yep…it is a war to take up space!!!
Yes. I enjoyed your writing. I often wonder if there is actually some goodness in the vague remembering we have when being honored or celebrated as the feeling is what we can hold onto. You touched on the cost here and I know that we can’t even begin to imagine the magnitude that you have carried all these years…grateful you have walked this road and prayers for you as you continue i different, costly ways.
Thank you, thank you ….I am grateful that season is behind me/us!!!
One of my favorite movie scenes of all time!! And I love that it helps me imagine some of what you were experiencing that day as Dan and then you were both honored for this beautiful, costly work you have been so faithful to. Thank you for inviting us into the story with you.
Thank you Janet. It IS a fabulous scene and I so wonder what heaven will be when we finally get there!