Thomas Wolfe wrote a novel entitled: You Can’t Go Home Again. Indeed, you can. It was our 45th high school reunion and, as usual, I had to encourage my husband to go. “It’s a good time to combine seeing family and friends.” But, as always, it took some convincing. We went to the same high school, but had completely different experiences. For me, high school was like a magic carpet whisking me away from the turmoil of my mother.
Dan had already escaped his family by nearly moving in with Tremper. He played football and was known as a badass who shouldn’t be crossed without dire consequences. I was friendly with almost everyone and was able to cross between multiple cliques. I anticipate returning and can’t quite fathom why my husband is reluctant. He knows I’ll go without him and that usually incites him begrudgingly to come.
The tradition at our high school is a class reunion every five years on the Fourth of July. I think I have gone to all but three reunions. The question asked is, “Why? Why would you want to return every five years?” It may sound too severe, but I go back for the same reason veterans return to be with their comrades long after the war is over. High School was easier for me than my husband, but it was also a war zone. Veterans return to remember and be reminded that life wins—death doesn’t have the final word.
The wounds and scars of high school are usually hidden during the experience and for at least 20 years after. It appears we need to be decades from the turmoil to begin to account for all that was suffered. The popular girls weren’t that confident. The jocks were wondering if they had already hit their peak. The electronic geeks didn’t realize they would one day rule the world. None of us had a clue what we had been through or what was truly ahead. But the future opened before us like a Montana sky—vast, huge, beautiful and ominous.
I return because my future is far briefer than my past. I don’t go back to suckle at the teat of nostalgia. Nostalgia is a rewriting of the past to enable us to whistle in the dark as we get closer to death. I go back to prepare my heart for the inevitable beauty and suffering of the future. The best way to lean into the future is to bless and honor the gift of the past.
When I am with Paula I remember “the young Becky” of second grade who moved to a new neighborhood. I remember her kindness and her tenderly holding my new puppy, Pixie. I remember Paula’s parents, her home, her mother and mine being leaders of our Blue Bird troop in her basement. I remember transferring to my new elementary school after Easter weekend. I remember being scared to death riding in my father’s Volkswagon to the parking lot to be escorted to Miss Myers’second grade class. I remember Sara Smith being assigned to me for the week to see that I got to all the places I needed to go. I remember the smell of the cafeteria and Dessy, the overweight beautiful cook, with silver braids that wrapped around the crown of her head and Kirby, the rotund gray haired custodian who always greeted me and made sure everyone had a four cent milk carton at lunch. I loved elementary school.
Junior High becomes sketchier with traumatic memories of Cotillion dinner dances, school dances, algebra, biology, study halls, the large, looming cafeteria and no recesses. A few times I got off the school bus before my stop and walked to my elementary school and visited my fifth and sixth grade teachers. I longed to be back in Windermere where life seemed simpler and kinder. Junior High with lockers and changing classrooms each period (and getting your period) made life less secure and more uncertain. After three years we couldn’t wait to leave Hastings.
High school brought football games, school musicals, report cards, mid-terms, finals, boyfriends and school dances. Most of my friends were part of carpools of five with a parent driving one of the days of the week. When we got our licenses we usually got one of the family cars one day a week to drive the carpool to school. As girls, before Title Nine, we almost always came home after school.
January of our senior year our dress code changed and we could wear pants to school. Along with pants and mini-skirts and marijuana, our rage against the Vietnam War grew stronger and our world seemed crazier with assassinations of Bobby Kennedy and Martin Luther King, Jr. We were ready to leave the halls of U.A.H.S and break away. We had lived through the Cold War, the Cuban Missile Crisis, Bay of Pigs, John F. Kennedy’s assassination and four students killed on the Kent State campus not too far way. Life seemed to be out of control and by the time we graduated we were ready to leave.
And leave we did!
Yet, our class, our friends, have stayed connected. Cliques have faded and friendships have swayed past lines that once were rigid. At this stage of life there is little boasting. Careers, accomplishments and wealth are not entities that separate us. We’ve lost forty classmates and many are currently fighting life- threatening battles.
We’ve weathered losing parents, children, siblings and marriages. We’ve become a class where “class” does not matter. When I see my friends from the class of “70”, I see “the spirit of Barb or the spirit of Judy.” They are not 63 year olds to me. They are the ones I knew at a younger time.
They knew my potential goodness; they intuitively understood my brokenness and wounds from my family (and if they didn’t then, they do now). They know how I suffered and was blessed. It helps me remember who I am, where I came from and where I am headed. It is this deep connection and the sinews of friendship that allow me to see that death is inevitable but it never has the final word.
nbsp
Becky Allender lives on Bainbridge Island with her loving, wild husband of 36 years. A mother and grandmother, she is quite fond of sunshine, yoga, Hawaiian quilting and creating 17th Century reproduction samplers. A community of praying women, loving Jesus, and the art of gratitude fill her life with goodness. She wonders what she got herself into with Red Tent Living!
bsp
Although I’ve not seen one of your samplers, this writing reminds me of one! Beautiful!
Linda, that was so creative of you! I loved that. Yes….is was like a life sampler and you have challenged me to one day write something and show one of my samplers. Thank you!
Oh that makes me happy!
I’ve only had fleeting thoughts of attending my high school reunion. Friends were not part of my growing up years. In elementary and junior high school I was the perfect target for bullies. My goal in high school was to graduate early and leave home which I succeeded in accomplishing in 1975. I have a friend that is in her 70’s that attends her elementary school and then nursing school reunions yearly. I’ve just not been able to relate. I am thankful for the precious friendships that surround my life today but Becky your post took me back home and awakened the idea that there is loss in not having friends that span a life-time brings. Maybe I will consider attending a reunion and see if there are people who remember me. I wonder, if there are those who remember me, what they would reflect of what their experiences of me were. The ambivalence – I do and I don’t want to know. It’s an intriguing invitation. Thank you.
I am Becky’s sister. I have attended some reunions. I thought I was invisible in high school. I was amazed in the kindness of people I encountered. Also there was one really odd girl in our class, we tried not to associate with her in jr hi. I have always noticed at reunions how kind everyone is to her and are complimentary for the work she does on the reunion committee. People do grow up and mature.
Thank you Judy. I am looking into looking when my high school’s next reunion is planned.
I think this is Annette, right? This is heartbreaking to read. My prayer for you is that you will return and be blessed by kind words and remembrances of others about who you were to them. I love how you have redeemed so much goodness for others by the soil of love in your heart.
This is Annette. I am at least curious now. Thank you.
“I return because my future is far briefer than my past.”
This is one to ponder, indeed. Time is such a wonderful, maddening, strange thing, and the fact that it seems to speed up as we get older makes it elusive.
This summer I have been working on a photo album for my daughter to take with her to college in August. Some of the pictures seem to be from eons ago, and how can that be? She is only eighteen, a brief bout within the scope of my fifty-five years.
The past can be a bedrock from which one ventures forth in strength, or a scattered, motley mess of brokenness which leaves one hopeful while also filled with dread of more of the same in the yet unknown future.
I have one friend from Junior High with whom I reconnected about fifteen years ago. Her friendship is one of my most treasured, for she knew me when, knew my family, knows my story. To have a class-full such as she would be a treasure; you and Dan are blessed, and from that blessing, bless. Thank you once again for opening up your life to us and giving so much of it away for free.
Kelli,I love this: “The past can be a bedrock from which one ventures forth in strength, or a scattered, motley mess of brokenness which leaves one hopeful while also filled with dread of more of the same in the yet unknown future.” Yes, time is an odd thing! I love what you put together for your daughter as she goes away to college. What a treasure. You encourage me greatly…always. Thank you.
Kelli, I love what you wrote: “The past can be a bedrock from which one ventures forth in strength, or a scattered, motley mess of brokenness which leaves one hopeful while also filled with dread of more of the same in the yet unknown future.” So true. What a great mom to send her daughter off with memories of love and family as she departs for college. Thank you for your encouragement and love to you across the many miles.
Becky…I was a class of 70 graduate as well. The high school years were not all that great, and couldn’t wait to leave.
I really had no intention of returning for reunions,…. but I did. Turned out to be a blessing, as forged several good friendships not experienced in high school. Turns out, we all are happy to see each other, listen, laugh and cry.
Loved your writing of this time of life.
Thanks
Dear Bonnie, I did not realize that we were both 1970 graduates! It is so good to listen, laugh and cry with others. It is the heartbeat of being made for relationship. Thank you for your kindness. I enjoyed seeing the “Allender” cousins you posted on Facebook.
The Allender cousins I grew up with…are actually 3rd cousins…our parents were 1st cousins…Jill Allender Vanuch age 60, has been battling stage 4 cancer for 12 years. Hospice has arrived, and Jill will be crossing over. Heartbreaking and sad, yet she will be reunited with her Dad (who was a wonderful man).
Love your writing… Love to all
Bonnie
Oh, dear Becky! This is a deeply powerful, life-giving invitation to view our high school years in a way that initially requires some daring, in my experience. I have experienced the same kinds of goodness in attending my own reunions, but your words have given me words to describe more authentically just what has drawn me to do so. Your gift of expressing the way you “see” is so full of truth that probably anyone could enjoy the fruit of it and know real nourishment! Thank you for, once again, inviting us to share at your table.
Jenny
Beautifully and honestly stated,wish I could have been there,we’re not getting any younger and some won’t make it to the next one in 5 yrs!!!
Donna, I missed you and Gene this year. Here’s to time together at our 50th. Fond memories of bike riding, slumber parties and so much more. Thank you for replying. Love to you from me.
Thank you Jenny. Your words mean so much. Our reunions, our peer groups are holy when we see one another and remember their parents and grandparents, siblings and moments together.
Thank you Jenny. I love that we have common feeling about reunions and knowing the goodness of being with friends of past. I miss you! Thank you for reading.
I enjoyed reading about your reunion. Since I am about to have a small reunion with some jr hi friends that have drifted apart, it is good to remember what we do have in common. Ginny thought the Gilbert Family was the family with all the excitement. To us it was chaos. I guess it all is in our prosecktive.
Thank you Judy. It is a comfort to me to hear you are off to Lake Erie with friends of your childhood. May you be blessed by the friends who have loved you and known you for six decades!!!
Becky. I had suggested to Rod that we use the theme “we’re NOT who we were”. You said it so well. And what surprised me as well as blessed me was how many of our class are content Christians. I am bless to have known so many of my classmates. And to spend time with me every 5 years. Until 2020.
Dear Barbara, thank you for taking the time to comment “We’re NOT who we were” is a perfect theme. What a great sentence. It is so true. I love hearing from our classmates their journey following Jesus too. Hope to see you in five years!
Loved reading this, Becky – the truth and wisdom of your words stir my soul and memories – they are a gift!
My 35th reunion was that same weekend, in Iowa two weeks ago, and so much of what you shared describes my reunion weekend, too. Those connections that go all the way back to kindergarten or even earlier cause me to rejoice in the innocence, and marvel at the redemption and restoration God works in our lives in the here and now – cause me to long for the redemption to come!
Thank you for forging the ground you have, and faithfully continuing on the path our God is leading you – a few years ahead of me – inspiring courage and hope in my heart.
You are truly reflecting His Goodness in the land of the living!
Dear Cheri, thank you for your encouraging reply. I sense you are a deep woman who stays connected to groups you have been a part of. It shows in your caring words and I love how you reflect His goodness in the land of the living. It helps me and others to be reminded of the bounty we have.
“I go back to prepare my heart for the inevitable beauty and suffering of the future. The best way to lean into the future is to bless and honor the gift of the past.” When you told me you were going to your high school reunion, I thought “Why in the world would anyone do that?” Obviously, I haven’t, I would just as soon forget high school, junior high and most of elementary school because of my painful experiences there.
And, of course, I found out that same week that my class is going to have a 30 year reunion. I began to entertain the idea that there might be something to consider there…and then I read this today. While it sounds like some parts of your school experience were positive, I appreciate that you don’t return out of some sense of nostalgia or reliving the good old days. The connections to who people really are, the glimpse into lives bearing both beauty and suffering is something that is true for all of us, no matter our social status as adolescents. You have given me another nudge in the direction of openness and curiosity rather than regret and shame. Thank you.
Wow, Janet, your presence to me has always been open and strong and beautiful. Hearing that your past had so much pain is hard and surprising. You have most definitely fought for love, peace, joy and righteousness and this would be an aroma of Christ to your classmates. Whatever you decide I trust will be according to what Jesus says to do. Your beauty blesses, Janet. Remember that….always!
Dear Becky, I just missed my 50th class reunion. It was a deliberate miss. I was sure it would be a set up for falling into old patterns of survival that kept me intact during my 12 years of school with my class. Patterns I’ve worked to lay down — performance, pretending, and offering a counterfeit me. I didn’t want to face some of those I have very difficult memories with. I was truly bringing all the past into the present. You have called me to more. You offer me places to ponder where I could bring my unique me and I could be a blessing. As I’m hearing from those who attended, many of the perceived and/or real cliques have faded away. Life has happened to many of my classmates. And we’ve lost some. What was then wasn’t important when they gathered a few weeks ago. They are looking to what is now. You have sparked within me a desire to be curious about their stories and where our lives are more likely the same than different. Thank you for the nudge forward. Valerie
Dear Valerie, I feel like what I wrote to Janet (above) is very just what I can write to you too. Possibly the next reunion you will go and all those ghosts from the past will fade and your classmates will remember the “young Valerie” who was gifted, kind, beautiful and fun. I cannot believe that you were anything other than that. I hope the nudge offers freedom and joy.
This post caused me to imagine my 20th coming up in a few years. My first thought was of the one person I would long to see but cannot. She died a year after graduation in a car accident. I have grieved her loss, but I apparently have not grieved the fact that we will never be able to share memories with each other. I will never be able to sit with her at a round table swapping stories of elementary school, middle school and high school. So tonight there are tears. And I’m ok with that.
I think your resolve to go to your 20th sounds brave and good. I am very sorry to hear of the loss of your dear friend in a car accident. May you grieve your loss well and live into the goodness of your life even more deeply. Again, I am sorry for the loss you have suffered.
Becky, I absolutely love this! You put into words so well what I feel. My 20th is approaching and I have friends who I graduated with that never want to return. I have had a hard time putting into words why I go and long to go…your words give me a framework to process all of my feelings as I talk with those friends. Thank you.
I am glad my words are helpful. I trust your heart is open and loving towards your classmates and you remember their kindness to you. I hope you encouraged others of the gift to return and see and remember the sweetness God provided through friends.