“Becoming” is a challenging theme. I have yet to conquer its complexity. I allowed myself to be curious about my shying away from the subject and why I approached it with difficulty. It became clear to me I was I wishing at the end of all my work to tie the pieces I gathered together with a bow. I am writing tonight without my pretty bows; I have only my heart here.
Becoming… an adjective and a noun. As a noun, it is “any process of change,” and as an adjective something “that suits or gives a pleasing effect or attractive appearance, as to a person or thing.”
Do you immediately think of the adjective or the noun? Why do you think that’s the first place you go?
The noun grabs me first because my deepest fears are of failure and blending in. Most of us don’t want to be insignificant. We long to be becoming. We want our hearts to matter. We desperately need connection with others, to feel special in our beauty, to feel like we are not just in this world, but catching a glimpse of something divine. The weight of promise in the adjective settles for me here… in process, in progress. We are a society obsessed with exploring and discovering wholeness. Our deepest desires linger in holding hearts that surround us, hoping we can experience passion birthed in fire and brilliance. The world wants a “new and better you.” The only constant for a woman seems to be change.
The idea of being “becoming” is something I felt I never would attain, by any means, in body, in spirit, or in what I have to offer. I used the longing to perfect myself in starving or ridding my body of anything that could offer me nourishment. I am appalling. I used that longing to scar my beauty. I am numb. My lack of “becomingness” taunted me in failure. Every place I fell short left me feeling like I was in the process of nothingness. I am stuck.
Evil seduces by whispering lies we have silently tucked away until they are the only reflection shouting and staring back at us in the mirror. Evil is cunning; if he can destroy our faces, our unique expression of God, Evil can efficiently cover and suppress the glory of God in shame.
In a recent conversation a dear man reflected to me, “It seems like having a body is painful to you…having a body is painful to you. It’s just painful.” I went home and wept about how true those words felt. I was sickened by the way I had allowed Evil to rob me of joy, connection, and growth in my own body and mind. For too long, vicious lies affected my ability to become the woman God has called me to be. And that evil was lurking in my longings, using my fear, and striking agreements about my identity in darkness.
I talked about wishing I could tie all my thoughts together with a bow. What we are becoming, whom we are becoming, our “becomingness” is a process of change. There is no bow to tie around it because the glory of God in us never ends. Becoming is birthed in the moments we allow Jesus to be Jesus in us. Jesus shuts down our lies with the Truth in His outstretched arms and ability to conquer death when we cannot fight for ourselves. He is the pleasing effect and attractive appearance, the depth that shines in our unique beauty to those around us. We are all beauties and becoming in our likeness and expression of Him. Is it any wonder the Enemy works so hard to shut that down?
… being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ …”
In other words…
Where will you choose victory and rest in your own becoming beauty? Where can you invite more of Jesus into the woman you are becoming? What can you trust Jesus to complete in you? I’ll be walking that journey with you. Unsaddling my horses.
Anna Hull lives in San Antonio, TX. A graduate of Schreiner University with a B.A. in Religion & Political Science, Anna is passionate about finding Jesus in every day life. She enjoys unexpected adventure, making genuine connections with others, and finding beauty in chaos.