Restless

It has been said that I was a little girl on-the-go.  Apparently I would “bebop” everywhere fueled by curiosity, rarely sitting still.  You might find me in a tree, on my bike, or skidding across the wood floors in my bobby socks.  Scrapped knees, sunburns, and bruises were typical fare.  I loved people and animals.  My mind was full of questions and observations that were generously expressed.  Songs were sung at the top of my lungs and my accomplished 4 ways to whistle blown just as loudly.  I was a girl with a heart unafraid to take-on the risk of a good challenge.

And at times this all got me into trouble.

I can still hear the reprimands and messages today.  “Robyn, sit still.”  “Slow down.”  “Watch where you’re going, you almost hit the ….!”  “You are so loud.”  “Don’t run!” “Because I said so, that’s why.”    “Can’t you just walk down the stairs?”  “Why can’t you be more like your sister?”  “What are we going to do with you?”  I wasn’t sure what was wrong with them, but it sounded like I made the adults in my life rather anxious.

Strangely, I remember my heart feeling alive, free and yes….at rest.

Today I feel restless.  When I share that with my friends, they have much to say.  Some say I just need to wait, you know, be patient.   Others say to be still, don’t move forward.  Be content where you stand.  I’m also urged that I simply must learn to rest in God.  As in – take a break, put your feet up, just say no and be quiet.  Not real helpful to someone who sees movement as hope.

I feel like running.

And I wonder.  Maybe I just don’t understand what they are trying to say.  Yet when I ask how all that works, the answers seem to be this nebulous space of quiet – void of movement, an emptying type of repose, a focused effort that few seem to attain, if they were truly honest.  No one seems able to put words around it.

And my breath squeezes tight in my chest.

What’s a girl to do?  So I give it a try.  I wait.  And wait, for that magic moment.  Then just when I think I might have this “quiet restful, be still” stuff down…. I hear the song of a cardinal, the wind chime in my backyard, my breath, the throbbing of my heart and a brilliant idea that yearns for life.  And then a voice tightly chides from within, “Be still Robyn.”

Yet, my soul stirs within.

There was a time when childhood hurts and trauma stopped much of the movement of my heart.  To numb out the pain, I sentenced much of it to silence.   My heart was certainly quiet – deathly still.  And I wore the mask well.  My life is different now…..the movement has returned.   And in the depths of my heart I feel the need for a filling.  Not an emptying.

Ohhh yes, I feel restless!

Are there things in my life that need to be quieted?  A.b.s.o.l.u.t.e.l.y.  Do I need to be led to lie down in green meadows and rest by the still waters?  YES!  Life is busy and full of distractions.  Good grief, the world is at my fingertips.  And there are so many amazing opportunities out there and they all call my name – tempting me to spread myself thin and deplete my energy.  Maybe I am just not good at waiting or being still.  Maybe…

So, what if restlessness speaks to something good inside of me?

In restlessness, I feel a call to my soul. It urges me forward and invites me to life.  Things constantly stir within me and my heart desires movement, to feel, to breathe, to be alive.  I hear it speak that I am made for so much more – and my soul burns to run after Him.  Why would I wait?

Wow, maybe He is waiting for me!

Yes, my Beloved waits for me!  And I run – my heart and soul taking purposeful steps to seek His presence.   In this space God knows my “bebop” heart.  He created it to bring life and He blends its rhythm to full resound.   As I fill my thoughts and movement with His presence, God provides a rest tailor made and unique to me.  I don’t even have to make it happen.

He gives hope and direction to the movement.

Deep inside, this adventurous heart of mine knows that I am a flame walking, pebble slinging, boat rocking, hem grabbing, perfume pouring woman!  God made me that way.  And I love the bebop movement of my little girl’s heart.  With arms wide open, I embrace this passion in my heart, this stirring in my soul.   I’m not too much for God.  He delights in the woman of movement I am becoming.  It doesn’t make Him anxious.  I feel alive, free and at rest moving with my God.

Oh my!  Yes, He has been waiting.  Me too, me too…

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Robyn Whitaker lives in Texas with her beloved husband of 32 years. She has an adventurous heart that is learning to breathe. Lover of truth, seeker of story, aspiring author and newborn dreamer, this mother of three is in search of redemption and living her Kingdom purpose.
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