It’s the start of new month. Growing up, February marked the beginning of spring in Phoenix. The “snow birds” arrived from the frozen north, wearing their shorts and sleeveless shirts as they flocked to the golf courses and swimming pools at the nearby resorts. My mom began planting pansies in the garden and the cushions returned to the patio furniture, from their brief period of storage during December and January.
There are no pansies anywhere in sight here in Michigan, in fact this morning I spent over two hours snow plowing the driveway in hopes of actually seeing the cement again before it was covered once again with more snow. It is cold and winter has a tight grip that I know will last for at least six more weeks and probably eight.
As January ended and February arrived I found myself thinking about my birthday. I am turning 49 and my thoughts centered on the awareness that a decade is coming to end for me this year. My forties will soon be gone and the sense that I am living into “the rest of my life” will have officially started in my mind.
My forties.
As my friends were watching their kids enter high school and head for college so was I, along with starting all over again as my little girls arrived one just a few months before my 40th birthday and the other before my 42nd.
My forties are when I first heard the phrase, “be kind to yourself.” I had no idea what that meant. I liked the way it sounded but it had no substance for me. I wanted to know what it meant and what it would look like for kindness to be part of my life.
It wasn’t easy to find answers to my questions about kindness. I asked my friend who first used the phrase with me and she encouraged me to write my thoughts about it, whatever surfaced inside me as I considered it more.
I did that. As I wrote I learned what my own heart held as true about kindness, where I had felt it surface in me, often as a result of it being offered by someone loving me well.
Kindness is honoring.
Kindness allows for feelings.
Kindness notices.
Kindness names the truth.
Kindness is connecting, with myself and with another. It honors my feelings and the feelings of others. When it is welcomed and embraced it bring rest and peace. Kindness is restorative.
As I lived into the reality of my life as the mother of 5, with an age spread of 17 years, pastor’s wife and continued my own ministry the need for kindness became greater than ever before. My pattern of powering through and having an endless capacity was wearing thin; I could no longer be that super woman and remain true to the woman who was emerging in my heart.
Kindness meant creating more space in my life. It meant paying attention to my heart and what it was saying to me, listening to my body and its need for rest and care. It meant saying no more often, creating new boundaries and honoring them. It meant disappointing people and being disappointed.
As I look back over the past ten years and all that has changed I am stunned and surprised by what has unfolded inside of me.
During my 40’s:
I had a brush with death the day my fourth child was born, hers and mine.
I did some serious work on discovering who I am deep down in my heart of hearts.
I fell more in love my husband.
I tasted incredibly sweet moments in ministry and saw the beauty of the gospel change the lives of many twenty-something’s in Texas.
I was the matron of honor for the first time in my life, something I’d always hoped to be, for a dear friend.
I enjoyed the deepening of many friendships, and I mourned the loss of others.
I left the house I’d lived in longer than any other in my life and moved for the 21st time in my life.
I held many secrets for others and told many of my own.
I started a blog and the blog turned into a ministry and the ministry birthed Red Tent Living.
During my 40’s the kindness I received and the kindness grown within me changed me more than any other period of time in my life.
Today is my 49th birthday and I will celebrate, this life I’ve been given and the beauty that has been birthed and nurtured in me by all those who have shown me great kindness and loved me well.
 
Tracy Johnson is a lover of stories and a reluctant dreamer, living by faith that “Hope deferred makes the heart sick but when dreams come true there is a life and joy” (Pro. 13:12). Married for 26 years, she is mother to five kids. After nearly a half century of life, she’s feeling like she may know who she is. Founder of Seized by Hope Ministries, she writes here.
 
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Happy Birthday Tracy – a kind, wise woman.
Kay
Kay, thank you for your words. I am grateful for the places where our lives intersect and we get to experience one another’s kindness.
Happy Birthday, Tracy – thank you for helping others see and feel your kindness as they learn to be kind to themselves. May you feel kindness, love and joy from others today.
You are so welcome Lorna, your presence in my life this past year has been such a source of sweetness. Grateful to be walking near you.
This is really inspirational Mrs. Johnson. Some of the struggles that you addressed in this blog are some struggles that I can even identify with at my age like self-image and body type and trusting in God’s audience than disappointing others. Love you and have a wonderful birthday. Send your family my love as well 🙂
Jane’s so fun to see you commenting here! You are a beauty, I hope that you will taste kindness this year that brings you rest in the places that can feel hard. Love you.
May kindness increase for you and with you, may you find this birthday yr the most blessed and exciting ever…love and prayers for you and yours😘😘😘😘😘😘
Thanks Friend!
We are all very grateful for you, and the riches you have cultivated in your life, Tracy. Beautiful.
I am forever grateful for your kind words and the embrace they brought to my heart and mind before I even met you Jan. You helped cultivate the soil on my heart so beauty and kindness could grow deep.
I have been blessed by your ministry Tracy and am hopeful to play it forward. Thank your for your definition of what “kindness to yourself” looks like. I hope you are celebrated BIG today! I have a feeling the best is yet to come for you 🙂
Thank you Lori. I love the idea of you playing it forward! Hope to hear more about that for you.
Rock on, momma! The best is yet to be….and your kindness is what drew me in (thank you for noticing me, my need to connect with another woman). Enjoy a lovely year as you graduate into the fifth decade.
Kelli, I am so glad we connected and that you are joining our community here at RTL. Thanks for you words!
Tracy,
I was recently introduced to your RTL by a friend from Open Hearts Ministry. Last Feb I attended OHM in Waxahaxie. You sat in my group and gave me some wise words, “why does it matter?” in response to a childhood scene of shame & my conflict of responsibility . I had probably heard those same words before, but this time I HEARD them.
As I read the story of your 49th birthday I reflected back on my own; my 49th bday (Dec) I spent having surgery to remove breast cancer but now 10 years later I celebrated with pink roses on my Christmas tree. 10 years brought lots of change and some included “being kind to me”.,
I hope you have a wonderful birthday of kindness to you & yours. Keep following your heart.
Lynn W. Mandeville
Lynn, I am so glad you have found your way to RTL! Thank you for your kind words. What a sweet joy to have those pink roses in your Christmas tree this year. I imagine you have many stories to tell surrounding the past ten years. Thanks for sharing a bit here. Blessings to you as you live into your new decade.
Thank you, Tracy
Happy Birthday! Glad to see and hear of all the Lords blessings in your life. The 50’s aren’t that bad and the little ones will keep you feeling young.
Thanks Sue, I love hearing that the 50’s aren’t that bad, I will be there soon!
So beautiful and touching! Happy blessed birthday
Susan, how fun to see your name here! Thank you, I am having a very blessed day!
Hope this was one great day for you, my friend! How fitting to post this on your day….it is wonderful.
It was a lovely day….and I am grateful. Thank you Mary Jane.
Dear Tracy, you go girl! I loved this candid and true entry. You give us all courage to remember and to dance forward into our destiny! Thank you for bringing along a band of women. The music that flows now goes to generations. Thank you for envisioning this site to write. Words are powerful. You rock for being such a “young one”! Love to you and Happy Birthday. (So grateful you and your daughter lived.)
What encouraging words from you Becky. I feel blessed to have your wise and kind eyes reflecting back to me what you see. Thank you.
It’s hard to believe that you are 49. It is my joy to know that I walked along side you during this decade. I loved every thing about this post…the honoring of such good and sweet moments along side of some of the most painful and tragic moments of your life. Kindness has not come without a cost and listening to your words here and the words of those responding, it has been a tremendous life changer…always for the better. Love you dearly!
Sweet B, you have most definitely walked close beside me. So grateful for your gentle presence and the many moments of laughter….both kindness to my heart!
Your words come with a sweet reminder….. Kindness……