Journey to becoming me….

Today has been long and slow-moving.  I’m confined to being stationary so what’s mostly busy about me today is my mind.  Idle hands give one lots of time to think.  That can be a good thing………..and not so good.  Early today it’s been mostly not so good.

I found myself reading the writings of others and beginning to compare.  It wasn’t long until the words I was silently speaking weren’t kind.  Words to challenge myself, my longings, my calling, my goals.

What had begun as a beautiful morning with lightness in my heart was turning to a sadness oozing over me.  It felt like a heavy slime that wanted to encompass and drown me, closing down my heart to desire.  Comparison is not a good path forward for me.  It’s one of those places evil can catch me.  It’s so subtle and so wicked.

I remember a time somewhat like this a while back.  Darkness had overcome me after I had fallen into the spiral of comparison and contempt.  During that dark night I wrote God a letter… I poured out my heart to Him.  I was brutally honest about my disappointment in the ways He had chosen to write the chapters of my life.  I told Him how upset I was with the present state of my life.  I risked asking Him to show up and remind me of His goodness to me in some tangible way.  I wasn’t sure He would come for me.

That night, I wrestled for hours.  After a time it brought me to brokenness, repentance, and surrender.  I returned to God with another letter asking for forgiveness.  I still longed for God to show up but wasn’t as desperate and demanding as hours before.

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God did come for me. He showed me He had been there with me during a story of particular pain from my childhood. He also gave me friends to walk with me on a journey of discovering truth, breaking down lies, and embracing joy.

That remembrance came to me this morning as I sat in the battle between good and evil again. Kindness to my heart grows. I caught myself early in my barrage of self-contempt and entered a space of self-examination. Have I allowed the whispers of evil to drown out the sweet and tender calling of God? Have I forgotten His promises to me?

A re-reading of Psalm 139 brings me back to truth. God wrote the chapters of my life even before I was born. He knows my every move, He made plans for me and His plans for me are good.

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I can remind myself that I am God’s unique creation.   I can remember the places and people God has allowed me to connect with.

A quote from my pastor a few weeks ago is comforting: God created me to bear His image to represent Him here on earth. I am not called to clone another.  I am to be me, the only me that exists.

Journeying well into the coming days is about remembering that God chose me to be me and God says that it’s good and I am good.

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Valerie Avery treasures the journey of embracing all God has gifted her with including creating art and beauty using fibers, beads and nature. The bond of 46 years of marriage has created a legacy as mother to 5 and “Grammie” to 20. She is venturing into the world of writing and is grateful for a place to share stories of growth and hope.  You can follow her other writings and doings on Facebook.