One of my earliest memories is an incident that happened when I was four years old. I had found a dime in the yard and was running to show my mother when my older brother intercepted me. “That’s mine,” he said. I did not believe him, but I knew he would take it from me, so I swallowed it.
Twenty-five years later, soon after I started seeing a therapist, I shared this memory. “And you’ve been doing that ever since,” my therapist said. “What?” I asked obliviously. “Swallowing every threat and hurt,” he replied. That gave me something to think about.
Over the coming weeks and months, my therapist and I talked about all the hurts and rejections that had been too painful for me to deal with and how I had “swallowed” them—stuffing them down deep inside. I came to realize that I had a whole other person living within, a shadow side, made up of all the dark things I had not dealt with.
My therapist helped me to see how I was acting out of these buried feelings, and he encouraged me to look at these past hurts. He actually suggested I “befriend” those things buried deep within. Befriend them? I thought not. I could barely stand to look at them let alone think of them as friends.
But in time, I came to see more clearly how I was acting and reacting out of my past hurts and knew something needed to change.
My therapist help me understand that the things buried in my shadow side could not hurt me again—they were all in the past—and I was no longer a vulnerable child who could not defend herself. I was an adult who could make choices about how I reacted to events in my life. I had options.
I prayed for the grace to face the things buried in my shadow side and asked for Jesus’ gentle touch to heal the memories and close these open wounds. Healing scriptures became personal invitations from God. Yes, I wanted to see. Yes, I wanted to walk. Yes, I wanted to be healed of my hemorrhaging.
Eventually, I became more comfortable staying with past pains when they surfaced, rather than stuffing them back down as soon as I started to feel any discomfort. I got to the point where I could look more objectively at my past, and rather than denying them, I began to incorporate my hurts into my story. I could see how my past had shaped me and helped me be more accepting and compassionate. The wounds were transformed into gifts.
Lots of practice has helped me move more quickly from having my buttons pushed to figuring out what pain is being touched. Just the other day, a friend reminded me of an event from a few years ago. She did not know that the event had been painful for me, and I did not know I was still holding onto that pain. But at her reminder, I felt myself becoming defensive. Awareness is the first step. I pray for the grace to be healed of this hurt, knowing that befriending it will transform it into a gift.
Madeline Bialecki grew up in Detroit and recently returned after living in Philadelphia for twenty-eight years. She began writing about her spiritual journey and faith life after the death of her best friend in 2012. She likes to read, knit, bake and garden. She shares her spiritual journey here.
Madeline, you have expressed beautifully the embracing of our shadow when we let Jesus color her with Grace. Letting shadow be “my friend” ~ making Peace with her ~ has been a most important gift in my own healing, too. Love love love the words you’ve given! Thank you so much.
Thanks for your comment. I think befriending my shadow has been a crucial part of my spiritual journey.
Madeline my first instinct is to throw up the defense and RUN the other way from pain. There is such a deep bravery I hear in you telling the pain, I want to be your friend and not swallow you up anymore. Lovely writing, thank you for sharing.
Anna, it is also my first instinct to run from pain. My therapist helped me to learn to “do things scared” so I could get past my fears and face my pain. Tough lessons which have taken me many years. Thanks for your feedback.
Madeline, thank you for sharing. I was so mad at your brother and sad how easy it became to swallow sorrow in so many forms. I think I used to do that too and still do. Your entry has made me aware in new ways. I love that you are on a new journey with your therapist. I agree with Anna, your writing is lovely.
Thank you for your comment. I think I will be working on old “stuff” and learning new lessons as long as I breathe. One of the gifts of aging is that I can have more objectivity about my past and am freer to touch my pain–and see the gift.
Dear Madeline, The picture you create with your words and your calling the pain you stuffed your shadow side is eye opening for me. I was and still at times can be a suffer of my pain and unmet longings. I want to begin to look at what my shadow side holds. Thank you for inviting me to that with your honest sharing. blessings, Valerie