Sexiness is not something I am comfortable talking about. There, I said it. I really struggle with the idea of sexiness, the idea of someone thinking about my body that way, and especially me thinking of my body that way. It is so foreign to me.
As I have entered my thirties and my second marriage, I have found myself more comfortable with the idea of lingerie and looking “hot for my man” and that stuff. I have also felt more comfortable with the idea of knowing that he finds me attractive, but I am by no means, comfortable in my own sexiness and sensuality.
Part of me thinks it’s the way I was raised, not by my parents, but just by the whole “church” society. I was taught that my body was not to be seen, shown, and was to be ashamed of. I was taught that all boys wanted to see my breasts and if they were taller than me, they were looking down my shirt, so don’t stand too close to them (that is a direct quote). I was told “a side hug is a good hug” because boys just want to feel your boobs. (I still struggle to hug men because this is my immediate thought). I was given the distinct impression that it was up to me to make sure my “brothers in Christ didn’t stumble”. Now, to some people, that may seem like a “duh”, we should be aware of the struggles of others and sensitive to them. To me, however, as a young teen, that phrase meant “If that guy struggles, it’s your fault, so you better cover up the hideous body of yours so they don’t lust”. Talk about an undue amount of pressure and a shaming of a body that was created to glorify God. I think I placed “sexiness” and “immoral” and “slutty” in the same box and never allowed myself the time or space to really think through what they all mean.
But what is sexiness, really? I don’t know, to be honest. The world would tell us it’s a push up bra and serious cleavage, along with our thin legs and six pack, a.k.a. a Victoria’s Secret model. Different cultures define it differently, some preferring larger rear ends and thick legs, others preferring a “child-like” appearance, while others push for the tighter the clothing the better. It’s a confusing paradox for women.
I want to redefine “sexiness”. I want women to be proud to be sexy, but not because of how they achieved an idea of perfection. I want women to define sexy as comfortable. I’m not talking yoga pants here. I’m talking going into Target, trying on a bathing suit, and buying it with pride. Knowing that God created your body to look how it does, and it’s ok if you have flabby knees or a muffin top. I want men to find a woman who loves others well sexy. I want woman to be confident that what they were made with is beautiful and it’s ok if people admire it. There is no shame in being a woman, no shame in being beautiful, no shame in having breasts and a butt, or not having it. God did not give us our bodies as vehicles of shame, He gave them to use as a vehicle in which to serve others, love our spouses, and love Him. And that is truly what I want sexiness to be.
Kacy Davis lives in Fort Worth, Texas with her husband, Collin. She is a special education teacher and advocate of those with special needs and loves her job. She spends her time riding bikes with her husband, running, reading, and enjoying those she loves. Kacy believes in reinventing what it means to be a woman and wife who loves the Lord and longs to help others learn to love the Lord with abandon, freedom, and a greater understanding of grace. She writes here.