Last Saturday I rode the Tour de Goatneck with my husband. Now, he’s fast, so we didn’t actually ride together, but he came back to get me after he finished. It was 70 miles. It was nearly 100 degrees. I got a text from him that told me he’d be waiting at the last rest stop, 7 miles from the finish.
I didn’t want to stop.
Rest stops? I’ve run marathons and biked 2 long rides and I don’t do rest stops.
Resting, it’s not for me. I don’t know how to do it. I can’t be still. There’s so much to do, so many thoughts in my head, so much to see, read, learn. Honestly, deep down, I feel like if I rest, I’m useless. Things won’t get done. I just don’t know how.
But there’s more to it. Here’s the heart of it. I want to be done. That’s why I don’t do rest stops. If I do a rest stops, it takes longer to finish, and I want to be done.
That’s why I can’t rest in life. I have struggled greatly with this during my recovery from anorexia. I want to arrive. I want to be fixed. I want to be smarter. I want this process of sanctification to be over. Can I just get there, already? No rest stops. No setbacks. I want the fastest way there, so I can get on to the next thing, and finally be done.
I don’t know how to rest. I don’t know how to trust the process. It’s so difficult for me. When I rest, when I take a while to learn something, when I mess up, I get so lost. It feels as though I’ll never get there. This will never be over. This climb, this struggle.
I’ve long held to the lie that “being done = no more pain”. And slowly I’m learning that’s not true.
I recently had the realization that difficulty and struggle is part of life. I may get through this season of struggling, this time with pain, my overwhelming fear, but just because I find victory, doesn’t mean the struggles end. Struggles are a part of life.
But how can I rest in those struggles?
I long to be the type of woman who knows how to sit and rest in her feelings. A woman who can rest and know that I can lean on God, on my husband, on my friends and family, and go with the ebb and flow.
Rest does not mean work isn’t being done. Rest is what needs to happen so we can continue the work. When we rest in God and trust Him with our worries, it’s the same as a good night’s sleep, it’s restorative, it’s revitalizing, and it’s healing.
We need it.
I need it.
I need to rest in the ebb and flow. I want to be a woman who is at peace and rest and not in a hurry to get it done. Because it will never be done. God is not done with me (Thank God!) and He won’t be until I’m in heaven. But when I rest in Him and the knowledge that He knows what He is doing, I can rest and know I am taken care of.
There is no done. There need be no striving for the end, because it’s not coming.
And I want to learn to rest in the journey.
Kacy Davis lives in Fort Worth, Texas. She is a special education teacher and advocate of those with special needs and loves her job. She spends her time running, reading, and enjoying those she loves. Kacy believes in reinventing what it means to be a woman who loves the Lord and longs to help others learn to love the Lord with abandon, freedom, and a greater understanding of grace. She writes here.