Probably the most normal things about my grandmother Mae Odell Kingsford were: the piano, the violin, The Wizard of OZ and roses. She loved them all. Understand this is coming from the perspective of an 8 year old…that would be me. I recall my curious fascination with her because she was so odd…quirky…peculiar in a controlled sort of way. From the vantage point of today, I can see where she influenced my life for mostly good and for one “downright shocking” perspective.
I am going to address each of those normal “things” about Mae, but first an observation of her. I’m saving the “downright shocking” until last!
You see Mae was a tall and very thin (too thin) lady. I never saw her eat anything and she never offered me any food from her tiny kitchen. I wasn’t sure I wanted anything to eat because it smelled old and musty in her house. Yet I wondered if maybe there wasn’t a random piece of candy somewhere…hidden that could appease my curiosity…I never found one. Interesting that my father’s mother was so thin. Is it possible that my eating disorder was passed down from a generation I barely knew? Was there some sort of curse that visited me as I grew up under such control and tightness?
One day she and I did a coloring of the yellow brick road from The Wizard of Oz. She drew the bricks out with measured perfection that grew proportionally smaller as the road progressed on the page. I was fascinated with her precision and depth and began to wonder if I could keep my yellow crayon within the boundaries of her bricks. It was a tedious job…one she supervised with the same precision. I was proud of my work but I must confess, I do not like The Wizard of OZ. It scared me. I colored anyway.
Ahh…the piano and violin. Unfortunately for Mae none of her 9 grandchildren had an affinity for music. It wasn’t without trying. I took piano lessons for 10 years and quit…just couldn’t do it. My athletic brother took on the violin…he couldn’t do it either!
Now I’ve decided to save the roses for last because that was finally the place Mae and I connected and skip to the “downright shocking.” It happened after her death…I was still 8…when my mother and I were on task to clean her house out. Ugh..that old smelly place. I was assigned her vanity table. All the drawers needed to be emptied and I set out to do just that. As I opened the bottom drawer I couldn’t believe my eyes. Starring back at me was a set of falsies. Yep…two perfectly shaped foam rubber boobs! I was horrified and titillated all at once. Who else knew these were there? Why did my grandmother have them? When did she wear them? Did she wear them in front of ME? I snatched them up and stuffed them in my pocket before my mother could catch me.
When I arrived home I went to my bedroom to try them on. They were scratchy…you see they were old and discolored to an orangish hue. I believe I detected some shedding of the foam as well. Now what? I couldn’t wear them, I couldn’t show them to my friends (heaven forbid: What would they think?) and I didn’t dare keep them for…someday. So I decided to dispose of them carefully so as not to arouse suspicion.
I have often wondered if Mae and I had more in common than I thought. She loved her red roses I did too. She savored their beauty and aroma I did too. She was a woman who wanted perfect breasts and a thin body…me too!
I wish I could sit and have a chat with her today. She was probably more normal than I thought. I’ll bet she’d have something to say to me about those falsies and thinness. My guess is that she would know what I know now: There is more to femaleness than boobs and body image. I wonder if she had an opportunity to relax in her femininity before her demise? I know I have! What about you? Are you taking time to smell the roses? Are you relaxing in your beauty? I can only hope so and encourage you to do so.
 
Mary Jane Hamilton has grown to love her sense of style and her peaceful lake living. Mother of 2 and grandmother of 6, she has a wonderful capacity to love and is still active as The Tooth Fairy. She is extremely fond of her dachshunds, who rarely venture from her lap, and enjoys biking with her husband of 44 years. She is rekindling her writing skills and finding it life giving.
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Mary Jane, I love the honesty in your writing…fake boobs…I laughed out loud! “Are you relaxing in your beauty?” What great words to ponder! Love you lady!
Hello…I am glad it made you laugh! I’m trying not to take life too seriously these day so laughter is good. Enjoy your beauty today, my friend…I am:)
Oh Mary Jane. This one is really a treasure. How delightfully funny. Thank you again and again
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Hello Punkie…I knew you would like this entry and that a chuckle would bubble up for you. I miss you, my friend. You have a special place in my heart that is very alive for you.
Mary Jane, though I’ve never met you, I always deeply resonate with your posts and stories. We have much in common! I, too, have struggled with disordered eating, and I’m quite certain my maternal grandmother did, as well. I love how you delve into the hidden complexities (tightness, control) that often go unmentioned when discussing eating disorders, coupled with driving needs to be desired and seen as beautiful. Your posts make me feel less alone – ultimately – and offer true HOPE!! Thank you for submitting another moving, insightful piece – I would love to meet you someday!
Hello Brett, Thank you for your gracious reply. My heart goes out to you as you admit you have struggled with disordered eating. Interesting, as we think on the generation before us…grandmothers no less…and what we now suspect. It feels freeing to simply name that. I’m glad you feel less alone and that my life offers hope to yours. Yes, desire and beauty…gifts from God to be enjoyed. My hope is that our paths will cross one day soon. I would love to meet you as well. I wonder have you read my book, Living on Empty? It is available on this website. Be kind to your heart, my friend. You hold a special place in mine. Love, MJ
So, MJ . I love this glimpse into this interesting woman and I love that you are pondering your connections to her. And, MJ, seeing you on the dance floor, and your innate sense of rhythm, you did get the musical gift. It just looks different on you. Way more beautiful for sure.
Your entry makes me very curious about what kind of influence my ancestors have on my life. I enjoyed reading about how you feel connected to your grandmother is so many different ways. I enjoy watching you enjoy your beauty.