I have been known, most of my life as a feisty and vicious child, teenager and woman. I have let this description be true most of my life. I would draw people in and only give them small bits of me or even a superficial picture of who I am (happy go lucky) when on the inside I felt like I was dying and longed for intimate relationship. Then as friendship would draw close and I would begin to feel connection and intimacy, most often, I would stop calling, avoid emails and phone calls and slowly slip away from the relationship. I am so tired of being reminded by people from my past of that ugly person that I have been carrying with me for so long. I have believed for so long that is who I am. I have let it define me and as a result, it has held me back from my full potential. My bags have gotten too heavy to carry that girl around.
With the help of some amazing people and God I have been shown why I have lived this way. I had to cover up pain that was buried deep within me. Because of that pain I decided that I would never allow myself to be hurt again and so I covered myself in this ugly person so I could hide away inside of her. While covered in this ugliness, I didn’t have to give my heart and therefore no one could hurt it. I have had the joy of amazing men and women speaking into my life and revealing the truth to me about who I am and why I have covered myself in that viciousness toward myself and others. They have also allowed me to share my heart and they have cared for it well. They have entered into those dark places with me, held my hand, given me their eyes and their hearts, and let me know I am not alone and that I will be OK.
Someone once told me that I need to go back to my little girl and save her. I never really knew what that meant until recently. Over the past couple of years, I have been continuing to rescue that little girl, carry her, love her, and comfort her out of those hard dark places. Through this process I am choosing to stop carrying the heavy bags of ugliness that have defined me for so long, and I am embracing the beautiful woman that God has created me to be. Those bags of loveliness are much lighter to carry 🙂 I have never felt so much freedom in being able to show up in relationships and being honest and beautiful at the same time. I will not forget the ugliness that I have offered in the past, but it is too much to keep carrying it around. I have to let that woman go. She needs to rest so that I can be beautiful.
I was part of a small group in April, 2013 and as a part of that small group we were given these matted pictures that carried a phrase on them. I keep mine framed and hung on my wall! My picture has flowers all around it and on it is written “Life is a story, what does yours say?” At the end of our time together in group we gave words to one another and wrote them down on the matte that surrounds this picture. In the picture below are the words that were given to me by some very life giving friends……
As I look over the words that are written on this picture my mind says, “YES!!!!!!!” Yes, I am all of these things. This is truth!! This is who I am and who I want to be. I know this is only the beginning for me and so the words at the top of this picture stick out to me right now, Beautiful Blooming Flower and Emerging Beauty. As I set down my heavy bags of ugliness and begin to carry the lighter bags of beauty, I am letting myself bloom into beautifulness. I see myself as a lily that is just beginning to open and emerge with all of the beauty that it was created to have. I am going to open into a beautiful full flower. I am going to choose to be BEAUTIFUL!!! I will choose to carry those lighter bags!
Sandy Jenkins lives in Portage, Michigan with her husband of 13 years and two daughters, ages 12 and 9. At the age of 33, she is allowing herself to be who she is meant to be by not letting her past life define her. She is learning to dream, hope, and experience joy and the fullness of life. She savors moments of solitude at Lake Michigan, just sitting and listening to the waves crash in. She also enjoys reading, photography, walking, and art.