I guess March has always been a month of “Becoming” for me. My birthday is in March, I became a teacher in March, I became a fiancé last March, and this March, I am in the process of becoming something completely new.
I am becoming a mother. A mom. Mommy. I am beginning to really show now, and I am starting to cry at the drop of a hat and completely overreact to life. I am starting to plan and think and become a mother.
I am not a patient person. I want the answer, the change, the “becoming” to happen quickly. I am not someone who waits, and wonders and rests. I am someone who does something until it’s figured out or fixed or I’ve become whatever I’m becoming.
Becoming a mother, or I guess, more specifically, the act of becoming a mother through pregnancy is hard for me. It is taking forever! I have days where I don’t feel pregnant, my energy level is normal, and I am doing well. Then those days come when I am over run by hormones, tears, bloating, and the realization that I am larger and cannot do what I once did. And those are the days when becoming a mother and growing a child is not for me.
It’s so difficult to just rest and let things happen, especially for me. I will usually make it happen, or if I can’t make it happen, I can find a bazillion activities to use to cope and become and distract. This is different. I can’t rush this baby. I can’t forget about it for a while. I can’t distract myself from what I am becoming because I can’t leave it. I can’t go see a movie to have two hours of mindlessness, the child goes with me, and kicks me, and makes it uncomfortable to sit. I can’t go buy a new shirt, because the ones I like, well, they aren’t maternity. I can’t go for a long run, because people stare at the pregnant lady running. I can’t distract myself from what I am becoming.
And I guess that’s part of becoming. Just resting in it and trusting the process. My counselor reminds me to “Trust the process and sit in it”. I want to hit her when she says that because it seems impossible. But becoming a mother is a process. It’s 40 weeks of knowledge, fear, growth, tears, laugher, more tears, a new body, new feelings, and tears. And did I mention the tears?!?! And the hardest part is that I cannot rush it. Much as the caterpillar cannot rush the whole cocoon process, I cannot rush this, and as scary as it is, and as much as I want to know what happens on the other side, I have to be patient. I cannot force it. It’s plain and simple, this time I must trust the process of becoming and learn to wait.
So I guess instead of becoming a mother, I becoming a patient person, who can wait, who will wait, and who is learning to rest. And, I am willing to bet I can use these gifts once baby comes, too.
nb