At the end of 2016, I was invited to participate in Red Tent Living’s first-ever Brave On conference. What an honor! As I have looked toward Brave On, I have experienced a rising fear. I picture a gathering of breathtaking women—lively and engaging, creative and wise—and I suddenly feel afraid that I don’t belong. The enemy affirms this fear and whispers, “You have nothing to offer.” I’m tempted to agree with him and bow out. Then, in the grace of a quiet moment, God speaks loud and clear: “There’s room at the table for you.” He gives me the image of a banquet table lavishly spread, and on the place card in front of me it says, “Susan.”
This is a stark contrast to a recurring dream that I have. In the dream I am back in high school, and I’m scanning the crowded cafeteria for a place to sit. The tables are full, so I squeeze in at one already surrounded by girls. I am embarrassed, knowing that my presence is tolerated, but not welcomed. I feel anxious in the dream, and when I wake, the anxiety lingers. Though it’s just a dream, I recognize that it’s a feeling I’ve often experienced in real life, and it exposes two beliefs: “I’m too much” and “I’m not enough.”
“I’m too much” is accompanied by fear and shame, and it reveals itself like this:
“I should have stopped talking. Why didn’t I shut up? I never seem to know when I’ve said enough. Now I sounded stupid…”
“They don’t value what I offer. Maybe my ideas are bad/ridiculous/unwanted. Maybe I am just too outside-the box…”
“I’m so needy! Why do I need to be seen/reassured/praised? Other women don’t need this much care. It must just be me.”
“I’m not enough” travels with fear and anxiety, and it shows itself in my hiding and my self-doubt. It has its own soundtrack; the greatest hit is titled, “Nothing to offer.”
When these beliefs surface, I am learning to remind myself that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. This means that:
1.) I am not too much.
2.) I am definitely enough.
That felt so good, I want to say it again: I am not too much, and I am definitely enough. (Say it with me.)
As the redeemed daughter of the living God, my personality, passions, and talents are redeemed too. I don’t have to strive to earn my place, and I don’t have to reach for it. Instead, I simply need to show up—at home, in friendships, at church, at work, and in the world—and when I do, I can trust that I am not too much.
I am enough. Believing that takes faith; living it takes courage.
When I picture the table prepared for us at Brave On, I see a place for Karen, Leslie, and Teri. I see a place for Jinda, Beth, and Andrea. I see a place for me. The table stretches on, and there is room for all of us. I cannot read all of the names, but excitement stirs in me as I imagine all of us courageously gathering with confidence that there is room for each and every one of us.
Yes, I am welcome at the table, and so are you.
Register today and join me, Sarah Bessey, Nichole Nordeman and the rest of the Red Tent Living Team.
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