Thinking about this month’s theme of desire, I pulled The Journey of Desire by John Eldredge off our bookshelf. I flipped through its well-worn pages, full of highlights and notes scrawled in the margins, evidence that I had once spent a lot of time with this book when we studied it in our small group.
I shook my head as I remembered what felt like another lifetime ago, my handwritten questions reminding me that faith develops and changes over time, just as the rest of my self has. The woman I glimpsed in those pages was still uncomfortable with the word desire, but curious enough to at least begin talking about it intellectually.
Another memory popped up as I read Eldredge’s words about Jesus’ provocative and consistent pattern of engaging people through their desire.
“Ask, seek, knock – these words invite and arouse desire. What is it that you want? They fall on deaf ears if there is nothing you want, nothing you’re looking for, nothing you’re hungry enough to bang on a door over” (38).
I was sitting in church, listening to our pastor talk about these same words: ask, seek, knock. My ears perked up. That question— “What is it that you want?”—had been surfacing inside of me with increasing frequency. Most of the time, it led my thoughts down a well-grooved path that ended predictably in judgment and despair: I don’t know what I want. Why don’t I know what I want? What is wrong with me? What if I never figure this out?
But that day, something interrupted the familiar just long enough to allow the possibility of desire to take root, shooting a tendril of hope through the layers of confusion and fear protecting my heart. When the invitation came to name my desire, requiring me to get out of my chair and literally bang on a door (several had been strategically set up around the sides of the stage), I knew I had to move.
There was something I wanted bad enough to outweigh the vulnerability of declaring it publicly.
I gave the door several knocks, feeling hope well up inside me as my fist connected with the solid wood, feeling awake, alive, and authentic as my desire was embodied.
In the past few months, I’ve been hearing Jesus’ question again, as I felt the disruption brought on by a season of transition in almost every area of my life. “What is it that you want?” I am not the same woman I encountered in the margins of that book, willing to walk to the edge and talk about desire, yet not quite ready to take the leap into such vulnerable, risky terrain. I am also not the woman summoning the courage to bang on the door for the first time. At 51, I am more sure of who I am and what I am about, more comfortable with both naming and owning my desire, not waiting for someone else to approve and declare it appropriate.
And so, I’ve been banging on the door with more consistency. I am in the midst of the arduous grad school application process, planning to pursue a master’s degree that will take me deeper into the work that I love. For me, this work of helping others discover their stories, examining the relational contexts that have shaped their identities, and facilitating reconciliation and restoration, is evidence of the ongoing redemption of my own story.
In this process, I’ve had to engage my desire like never before, choosing the particular degree that would best serve my desires and which school’s program would best fit who I am and how I learn. I was especially mindful of my desire as I solicited admission recommendations from the people I wanted to speak on my behalf.
I sat with my potential list of names for a long time, risking the vulnerability of invitations only to the three people I most wanted. I asked boldly, letting them know how important they had been to my journey, and how much their recommendation would mean to me, without any equivocating “I want this, but it’s ok if you can’t do this” language.
What happened?
They all said a resounding yes and offered incredibly sweet affirmations of my desire. But, I am also more sure than ever that I would keep knocking, even if the answer had been no.
How about you? Do you know what it is that you want? What you are willing to bang on a door for?
Janet Stark is a woman learning to bless her depth and sensitivity. She is grateful for the deep love she shares with her husband, Chris, and their kids and grandkids. Janet loves curling up with a good book, trying new recipes on her friends and family, and enjoying long conversations with friends over a cup of really good coffee. She is a life-long lover of words and writes about her experiences here.
Yes! Yes! Yes! I applaud, pray for and rejoice with every new step you take in this direction. Love you, Christine
Christine I am so grateful for your encouragement! It was so good to talk with you in person about this at BraveOn, especially since you are one of the people who has inspired me to keep moving in this direction. Thank you.
Beautiful. Just what I needed today. God used your words to affirm some things in my heart. Thank you.
Jennifer, thanks for reading. I’m so glad it was able to affirm something for you, I love how that happens when we share our stories with each other.
Yes and amen ❤️
Oh… I get this so much… at 61… I am still letting God mine my soul … desire has been so buried… and I am not sure I have ever really known what I desire… so excavation has been going on for a couple of years now… The Spirit is patient and kind as He digs, removes debri and dusts off and carries to the surface!!! I love the picture of literally knocking on a physical door… thanks for the encouragement and blessings on your new journey!!!
Ro, what a good picture of excavation! It does feel like that sometimes, digging, debris, all of it! May you embrace the desire you unearth, joining the Spirit in his kindness towards you.
I believe the passion you offered your desire was deep and real…a gift to yourself.
Thank you Elaine. I like this, thinking of it as a gift to myself. Much love to you.
Janet, I loved your questions and your desiring for something new. A new degree! I am so proud of you and believe your journey will be amazing. You have called me to ponder what I desire. Sometimes living and commitments keep me not even asking…not even remembering to ask, “what is it that I desire?” Love and hugs across the many miles…
Becky, thank you. It was so good to have you share in my excitement when we talked at Brave On! I know I would not have had the courage to bang on this door without significant moments of affirmation and encouragement from several good women (and men), and I am so grateful that you show up consistently in many of those moments. Much love to you.
Janet, thank you! I needed this today. I had chills as I read this…holding onto my seat as your tendril of hope moved to a bang at the door and then to an application to a graduate program! How exciting. Your courage to not only dream but to ask and then to act inspires me!
Rachel, thank you! It is exciting…and terrifying, and probably lots of other things as well! It is always good to have others who can relate, I love how our stories are woven together in that way.
I’m so excited for this new adventure of desire and discovery, May your courage to pursue it reveal ever deeper and deeper passion.
Thank you sweet Lindsay! You’re one of my many inspirations! 🙂
as I felt the disruption brought on by a season of transition in almost every area of my life.
Yes!
And a grad school disruption here too. How crazy is that.
It really takes you down to your core, strangely. I will remember you when I get twitchy!
~Joanna
Joanna, my fellow disruptor, disruptee…it is indeed crazy, in all the very best ways. I believe you about it taking you down to your core, I felt some of this just doing the application process! Here’s to desire and all the goodness, and twitching, it brings!
Desire is SUCH a risky, vulnerable, and beautiful thing! Your encountering desire, first around the edges, and now more intentionally is evidence of the kindness and goodness of God. About 2 years ago, I was in a very similar place encountering my own desire, filling out grad school applications, seeking references. At the end of this semester, I will be halfway through my Masters in Counseling, and will have my first field placement this summer. I have been scared almost every single step of the way. It’s been an incredibly challenging last 24 months, but also incredibly filled with growing understanding of God’s goodness, provision, and presence. May the same come to you in abundance along the way – the gentleness of Jesus as you take bold steps. I’m excited for your journey ahead into this new season 🙂
Thank you for your words of encouragement, especially from what sounds like such a similar place. Good for you for listening to your own desire, and watching for God’s goodness and presence in the midst of the hard work. I hope your field placement is further confirmation of the goodness of your desire in choosing this path.