A peek into the running dialogue in my mind:
Whew! What a week. Thank goodness I got out of there on time, I don’t want to be late.
I wonder what the new office looks like. At least I know where I’m going. I wonder if she’ll say something about my weight. She brought up Weight Watchers last time. I probably weigh close to the same as I did two years ago. How do I want to respond to that?
This looks different than I imagined. Not a familiar face anywhere. I miss my old OB. OB, well, I guess I’m on the gyn side of things now. Weird. Where’s that new insurance card? Paperwork, of course.
Gynecological update? Ugh!
Sexual preference: men, women, or both?
Well, men. I mean I like my man, so I mark men. Right?
But I like women. I don’t like, like women though so I mark men. Yes.
Sexual practices, seriously?! I have to answer this?
Why? I could leave it blank.
They don’t need to know that. Or do they?
Fine. I’ll follow the rules.
Method of contraception? Condom use?
So many personal questions.
That’s me, here we go. Relax, you’re okay.
More questions? Former smoker…oh gosh no.
That was just socially sometimes. Did I really get honest last time I filled this paperwork out?
Guess that’s on the record, can’t say anything different now.
Yes.
No.
Uh-huh.
I think so.
Okay, thank you.
She was nice. I wonder how long it will take the nurse practitioner to come in.
It feels cold in here. I wish I could wrap up in a cozy blanket right now. I’d choose that over sitting here anxiously, in a flimsy gown.
Hopefully she’ll agree to do a pap smear despite the recommended guidelines of every three years. I don’t feel comfortable waiting another year. I can justify my request between my history of abnormal and atypical paps.
I’ll just ask for what I need.
Oh hi, that didn’t take long.
Here we go again, more questions. Concerns? Other than the fact that I’ve convinced myself that I probably have cervical cancer, no not really.
I guess maybe I would have a few months ago but I think I’ve figured out the answer on my own. I should ask anyway. That’s why we’re here.
Well, that was better than I thought it would be. She didn’t think that was a crazy idea!
Guess I do know some things after all.
What am I doing for exercise? I was walking but, winter. Winter and results, I guess. Why did I stop? I know the benefits for my heart, and my mind, and my body. Sometimes it just feels like too much. One more thing.
I need more self-care if I am going to keep going.
I could walk at home. I’ll try walking at home.
Wow, she didn’t say anything about my weight this time.
No, I stopped taking the pill years ago, prior to my last pregnancy. Not interested.
No, I don’t want more kids! Are you kidding?!
Do I know I’m taking a chance? Yes, I guess so.
What are the options?
Um, that makes me uncomfortable. I don’t think I like that option either. Is there another?
March Madness…seriously? That’s a thing?
You mean to tell me that the most popular time to schedule a vasectomy is during March Madness since laying down and resting is necessary?
I wish I had a reason to lie down and rest, not a serious one of course but the thought of a week long hospital stay sounds little appealing to me right about now. I shouldn’t say that out loud though…it’s not safe.
Good to know. I guess my husband and I have a new conversation topic now.
Oh great, exam time. Breast exam first. I really need to get better at checking myself more regularly.
My armpits smell today. Hormones. I’m sure she can smell me. I wonder what she’s thinking?
I wish she would wear a mask for this part. She shouldn’t have to smell anything up here or down there for that matter.
Oh that’s cold! Are we done yet?
I should probably have her look at that mole to make sure it looks okay since I can’t see it very well.
Thank goodness, we’re done. All I can do is wait now.
Time to head home.
Here comes the weekend. Two days without normal routine.
Mass opportunities for chaos.
Breathe.
“Just breathe…chaos calls but all you really need is to just breathe.” Breathe by Johnny Diaz
This put a smile on my face this morning. Yes, I’ve been there myself and I get everything about your examine. I’m breathing along with you💗MJ
Thank you dear friend…for smiling, responding, and knowing. Love and miss you!
I love this. So real, so tangible, so relatable, so HUMAN. You capture the jarring amount of complexities we deal with as women! Thanks for bringing us into this scene with you. Such a fresh and vulnerable piece of writing, seriously 😊❤️
Oh so very human! I think of your words often when you asked, “How do you turn that off?” Ha! Sometimes I wish I could and some days I am ever so grateful for this complex mind of mine. Thank you for your response. Love you.
I am grateful for your complex mind! It’s a beautiful thing. Thanks for inviting us into its compelling landscapes!
I loved this. So refreshing and so honest!
Thank you Cynthia for your words.
Made me anxious reading it. Your writing is real. Thanks.
I get that! I felt anxious re-reading it 🙂 Thank you for your response.
As a midwife, I laughed out loud. And nearly cried. The holy ground of questions and disruption is my territory. And I do everything I can to make it sensitive and full of dignity. Hosting paps and pampering in April!
Love the self care in this story.
Oh, thank you! Holy ground of questions and disruption, what a unique perspective. I am glad that you are one of the ones in it, asking all the questions as I know kindness abounds. Paps and pampering…what a concept! Thank you for your response Joanna.
So good in every way.