I can’t help the part of me that requires definition. I like labels. I crave order. I need a clear yes or no. I long for security and absolutes. These things keep life predictable and from getting too messy.
I had a conversation with my father several weeks ago as I was struggling with a decision that would affect my future. After conferring with him for 15 minutes or so he said, “Anna, you like black and white. You always have. Since you were just a little girl, you are most confident when there are clear lines. Sometimes God just requires faith and you have to be okay with not knowing how it’s going to turn out.” Since that talk, I’ve wrestled with the idea of what faith would look like and struggled with the risk it requires. Faith feels dangerous.
I have been in danger many times. I stared down a gun. My eating disorder threatened me with three months to live. I was raped. A man followed me in his car on an early morning jog and I had to call the police. (He is currently in jail for murder). I’ve been in trouble…deep, deep trouble I can’t name here. I know what danger feels like all too well.
Sometimes that familiar intense, panicky, foreboding feeling washes over me when I think about the future. When I lie awake nights staring into the blank darkness, Yo-Yo Ma softly filling the void, I can find myself spinning in my head about future possibilities… I’m ashamed to admit most roads in my mind end in heartache. How do I step out in faith if I can’t trust my own heart? How can I trust His? I WANT to be obedient, yet I’m afraid I’m going to mess it all up. I’m afraid I won’t make the right choices. “Red pill or blue pill?”
This can feel at times, paralyzing. Evil is often efficient at shutting me down with fear. Faith is dangerous to Evil.
There is certain risk in stepping out in faith. Really, there are risks in every decision we make. Ecclesiastes 10:8 says, “When you work in a quarry, stones might fall and crush you! When you chop wood, there is danger with each stroke of your ax! Such are the risks of life” (NLT) There we have it, even the Bible says we are always in inherent danger.
However, when Jesus came He taught us “Fear not.” “Do not be afraid.” I read an article by Rick McDaniel in which he says, “Fear keeps us from loving deeply, keeps us from giving freely and keeps us from dreaming wildly.” There is so much truth in that! When Jesus told us to love the Lord with all our hearts and to love our neighbors as ourselves, He predicated that with teaching us to Fear Not. There is risk in loving with all of our hearts. There is risk in giving freely. There is risk in dreaming wildly. My heart sings imagining what it could look like if I only I stepped out in faith and stopped being afraid of heartbreak.
When I was nine years old, I made it a habit to walk up and down the street in front of my house, strutting in the sun with the wind blowing through the trees, my cassette Walkman (remember those?) clipped to my shorts, listening to Jaci Velasquez’s “Heavenly Place” album on repeat. I’d imagine myself a fierce, strong and deeply connected woman of faith and integrity. I wanted to glorify Jesus with all my heart. I can still feel that longing, the calling to BE that woman deep in my gut, like a fiber that has been a woven part of my heart my entire life. There was a song I would rewind and play over and over again titled “Paper Tigers.” The steady hum of the lyrics came to me as I reflected on this month’s theme.
Night brings creepy things and I hide away
False fears disappear in the light of day
The sun is rising, I’m realizing
The only thing to fear is fear itself
Now I am certain that my beast of burden
Isn’t worth a worry
They are only paper tigers following me
In the wild imagination of the make believe
And there’s a fighter, a survivor, arising in me
I’m not afraid of paper tigers
I don’t want to be a woman who hides away from faith and runs to her own ability to manage chaos. I am here by the grace of God.
When I think about the danger I’ve faced I try not dwell on the innocence lost. I have sorrowed over that and now, instead I want it to empower me as proof that no matter what has lies ahead, I will not face it alone; I will not face it in my own strength. I’m working my way out of my sterilized and ordered world and I am finding God is so much greater, full of more goodness, and is so much more GOD in a messy and uncertain present and future.
We hand over power to the bad things that have happened and could happen to us when we allow them determine our course of action. I was reminded this month that when Christ died on the cross His sacrifice delivered us from all of the darkness that threatens to swallow us alive; He’s got us. He’s got me. I can trust His heart for me. I will face danger, I will face the future, without fear and I will not let it keep me from loving deeply, giving freely, and dreaming wildly. Aren’t worry and anxieties just paper tigers?
Anna’s father went to be with Jesus on Saturday morning October 17th. (A week after she had written and submitted this post). She is holding tight to his words of encouragement about faith and not fearing the future.
Anna Hull lives in San Antonio, TX. A graduate of Schreiner University with a B.A. in Religion & Political Science, Anna is passionate about finding Jesus in every day life. She enjoys unexpected adventure, making genuine connections with others, and finding beauty in chaos.
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Anna…my heart ached so deeply as I read this brave post and held your Dad’s unexpected death alongside your words. His legacy lives in you and in this post. My prayers are with you as you walk this difficult and painful stretch of your journey. “I will face danger, I will face the future, without fear and I will not let it keep me from loving deeply, giving freely, and dreaming wildly.” Hoping with you that these words your wrote will continue to feel true. Sending you much love.
Thank you for your love & support… I so desperately hope through the heartache his words of faith & life will continue to embolden me to love & give & dream.
What a beautiful and honest essay. “We hand over power to the bad things that have happened and could happen to us when we allow them determine our course of action.” – What a revelation! “I was reminded this month that when Christ died on the cross His sacrifice delivered us from all of the darkness that threatens to swallow us alive; He’s got us.” – What a truth! We can rest there without fear. Thank you for your words and wisdom. I’m so sorry for the loss of your father.
“He’s got us.” My family keeps saying this to one another… God knew. God knows. He’s got us. The pain in unbearable at times, but we feel Him holding us through it.
Anna there were many times as I read your story that I had to stop and sit with the stories of violent harm you’ve endured and how much courage it must have taken to keep going. I smiled when I read of your father knowing you well enough to kindly name your black and white safety net. And my breath was taken away when I read of your father’s passing. My prayers are with you in the midst of the chaos and pain of your father’s death.
I love that you smiled reading about my father knowing me well enough to kindly name that safety net! He knew me, he really seemed to understand my heart in a way no else could… and seemed to always have just the right words to call me out or lift me up. He was a good daddy & I am still so blessed to call myself his daughter… thank you for your prayers.
Our sweet sweet Anna!! Tears softly roll down my cheeks as I read this, I know God knows our path and plan in life and he was preparing you and your dad for his plans!! I truly believe your conversation with your dad was preparing you for the future. You are such a brave, strong and courageous young woman whom inspires me everyday! ! I am so blessed to have you in my life! !Continued prayers for you and your family! ! Love you
I still can’t believe we had that conversation so close to his passing… I don’t understand why God called him home so soon, so suddenly. But I am grateful he was my Dad, and so thankful I had that, along with many other conversations about faith & Jesus to remember. Love you too Kristi, thank you for your love & prayers.
My dear Anna…I love the words of your father to have faith even when you don’t know how it will turn out. It is like he has given you permission to carry on. Such a sweet remembrance of a father who knows his daughter’s heart. I am so sorry for the sudden death of your father. I feel this deep ache for you as I know the effects of this loss for you and your family. Know that I am praying. Know that I love you.
Your love & prayers mean so much…Thank you. I love that you call it a “sweet remembrance” because that’s exactly how it feels to me.
thank you for your bravery in the Spirit. oh, anna- I ask God to give yall the exact comforts you need.
Thank you Heather. <3
I cannot believe how beautiful it is to read your honoring post of your dad in the midst of such grief. So much story in your post and I pray that you feel loved and comforted in the unknowns and knowns. Love you dear Anna.
Much love to you too, B. I am thankful for the beauty.
Anna,
This is beautiful and inspiring, I wouldn’t expect anything less. You don’t know me but I have spent most every night laughing at your dads impressions, being inspired by him, and learning from him, for the last two months. Andrew meant so much to myself and everyone on the staff at embassy suites Tampa, Fl. We are a family and your dad became apart of our family. Our hearts all broke Saturday. The last I spoke with him was Friday evening. It was actually about you 🙂 and how proud he was. I’m so truly sorry for your families loss. I know he is with Jesus. I am so blessed to have had the opportunity to have met him and call him my friend. God bless you and your family.
Samantha, I can’t tell you how blessed I was to read your words about my Daddy! I love the picture of him laughing and making those around him laugh… that is SO my Dad. The staff at embassy suites was incredibly kind through this difficult situation, and we are grateful for their care. To hear he said he was proud of me the night before… that feels like an incredible gift to know that. Thank you for sharing that Samantha…I’m smiling through the tears. May God bless you too…I’m so thankful for your words & memories.
Dearest Anna, oh my I am so very sorry for your father’s passing. Way too soon. Way too soon. You are so young to lose a dad and I have been praying for you and your family since reading this. I do not know why you have had to suffer such violence. You are a woman of love and hope but the scars of trauma are a daily navigation you live with. May you be kind to your body in the midst of it’s triggers. I loved what you wrote: “There is certain risk in stepping out in faith. Really, there are risks in every decision we make. Ecclesiastes 10:8 says, “When you work in a quarry, stones might fall and crush you! When you chop wood, there is danger with each stroke of your ax! Such are the risks of life” (NLT) There we have it, even the Bible says we are always in inherent danger.” So very well written and to hold that in balance with each breath we take is tricky to say the least. Thank you, Anna, and your father sounds like he loved you well and that you loved him well too. May Jesus be so near these beginning months without him. I am so sorry for your loss. You have much to share in your writings.
I am so blessed by your precious words & your prayers… Thank you <3