There is a certain advantage to aging that has compelled me to live life in its fullness and to the fullest. If you had asked me 25 years ago if I was doing that I would have probably said, “Yes.” I was busy then and I am busy now…I was in God’s word then and I am in it now…I was in ministry then and I am in ministry now…but some things have shifted for me. What felt full then doesn’t quite fill me up now…actually I get exhausted just thinking about it. So much of my fullness was being met by scrambling around trying to prove to others and myself that I can do “it” and that I am “OK.” There is a bit of a harsh reality here as I recognize how much of that time was spent trying to “prevent” or “waiting for” the other shoe to drop.
Now I have many valid reasons for that to be true as one who spent a lifetime keeping secrets. My home of origin had secrets, “really” after all: Was that a glass of wine hidden in the kitchen cupboard? Did my brother flunk out of college? How did the car’s bumper get dented? Did he try to violate me in the bathroom? Who snuck out last night? Who came in drunk? Who vomited in the bathroom? Who is getting fat? In my house there were no answers to those questions and likewise I was not seeking answers…yet it all set me on edge. My world became small and manageable and so did I. My goal was to anticipate the “shoe” before it dropped and if I was vigilant enough, I could prevent it from falling all-together. I determined NOT to get “caught” off guard under any circumstances.
I am smiling as I remember the futility of living this way. The fullness I am feeling today comes with a freedom of knowing my heart and the goodness that lies within. It comes with receiving the boundless grace of drawing closer to God. And, I clearly remember breaking the silence of my own secrets. One would think this is all behind me but occasionally situations come into my life where I feel that I am being set-up to get “caught.” How quickly the old familiar voice whispers, “Yep, it is your fault. You are bad. You did not do it right.” Trust me, when this happens, my life shrinks. Fullness escapes me.
Recently, a dear friend of mine heard me say over the phone, “I feel a trap is being set for me and I will get caught.” She came over later that day and as we sat down she said, “Mary Jane, I want to address something you said to me this morning.” Interestingly enough I thought, “OK now the ‘shoe’ is going to drop.” What she said next startled me. “You used the word ‘caught’ in our conversation. I want you to know that when you say that it feels like you believe you are bad and have done something wrong. I want you to know that you are NOT bad. This is not your fault. You are not guilty.” Whoa, the “shoe” stopped in midair. There was such grace, freedom and truth extended to me that all I could do was say “Yes.” It is moments like this that the wonder of living life in its fullness returns to me and I rejoice.
Life isn’t so hard for me anymore. I spend less time waiting for the “shoe” knowing that with His guidance I will deal with it when it drops. Actually I spent a fair amount of time buying shoes! This comes with knowing my time here is getting shorter and I am determined to live life full. Secrets and unanswered questions don’t burden my heart anymore. My hope is that you will join me in the fullness of life…that you will capture the goodness of Christ in you…that you will hold your truth and be free…that you, too, have a friend or be the friend who recognizes the “shoe.”
 
Mary Jane Hamilton has grown to love her sense of style and her peaceful lake living. Mother of 2 and grandmother of 6, she has a wonderful capacity to love and is still active as The Tooth Fairy. She is extremely fond of her dachshunds, who rarely venture from her lap, and enjoys biking with her husband of 44 years. She is rekindling her writing skills and finding it life giving.
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I loved seeing your array of shoes last week “roomie”. Those gorgeous and colorful shoes are a picture of you, multi-faceted. I see your freeing heart and I wonder the stories of the footprints left by those shoes. They are on a journey to take you to wild places of freedom.
Thanks Valerie…you were a great “roomie”.
Dear Mary Jane, Wow my morning began with a bang reading your entry. Your sentences, “Now I have many valid reasons for that to be true as one who spent a lifetime keeping secrets. My home of origin had secrets, “really” after all: Was that a glass of wine hidden in the kitchen cupboard?” etc, hit me hard. It instantly returned me to many of the same things. And then I read: “I am smiling as I remember the futility of living this way. The fullness I am feeling today comes with a freedom of knowing my heart and the goodness that lies within. It comes with receiving the boundless grace of drawing closer to God.” Thank you! Oh, thank you! Those sentences gave me ballast and gratefulness. You took me back to hidden unsaid realities, but you landed me with hopefulness in how to walk in righteousness, peace and joy. You are an amazing teacher and uncomfortabe realities highlight so much. You do that well. Love to you this day.
Thank you, Becky. Glad I could be a boost for your day. Your generous words remind me of the kindness of your heart. Be well, my friend.
…a shoe just might drop and it just might not matter – there just might be less shoes or boots you feel the need to deal with… ya just might be slipping into your dancing slippers more often….and go with the music. Love this offering !!!
Ahhhh, yes, my dear…..dancing it is and with some new shoes!
“I spend less time waiting for the “shoe” knowing that with His guidance I will deal with it when it drops. Actually I spent a fair amount of time buying shoes!”
I love these lines! As one who knows well the “impending shoe dropping” feeling, I am trying to learn the “deal with it when it drops” and meanwhile enjoy living life lesson. Thank you for sharing this piece of your heart and life. I also love that one of the first things I noticed and found fascinating about you were your sparkly Keds. And different interesting, playful shoes (and outfits) to match the interesting woman that you are. Thank you for helping me walk through painful places and leaving interesting footsteps to follow.
Thanks Julie! Enjoy your shoes be as they may on or off…I’m loving mine!
Living in preparation and expectation of the next shoe dropping is something I understand. The bracing and pressure of working hard to prevent it all the while preparing for it as well. Exhausting work. The beauty of the freedom you are living with is so alluring.
Thank you, my friend…you been very much a part of the freedom I’m experiencing! Stayed tuned…
Wow! Two things suck out to me and touched my heart…but first:
“I want you to know that when you say that it feels like you believe you are bad and have done something wrong. I want you to know that you are NOT bad. This is not your fault. You are not guilty.”
This so spoke directly to my heart. I had a habit of saying (occasionally still do) “for someone like me”…your friends words made me realize when I do this I in some way make myself “less than”, “not enough”, “too much”, “Not typical” (oh I had a friend once tell me this one..ouch)
Secondly…WHAT a BLESSING that you have a friend who took the time to talk to your heart in such a way that you saw the goodness you posses. Beautiful! Bless you Mary Jane!
Thanks Susan….good friends are hard to find…I sure needed those words as well. Take care of yourself…you are not bad either:)
“I spend less time waiting for the “shoe” knowing that with His guidance I will deal with it when it drops. Actually I spent a fair amount of time buying shoes! This comes with knowing my time here is getting shorter and I am determined to live life full.” These lines are so you! Your trust and rest in God’s provision, your commitment to living fully, and your humor – spending time buying shoes. A good reminder for me today to rest and trust rather than wait with hyper vigilance to be caught.
Thank you my dear Janet….ahhh, shoes, yes! I’m into wearing them…buying them…enjoying them. No longer waiting on them. See you soon.
Mary Jane, thank you for letting this come thru/out of you. I got to talk with you for a bit at the recent RT weekend and I enjoyed it so much…was a sweet moment of sanctuary for me. Love, Amy
Yours words – “that you will hold your truth and be free” – thank you – I want to hold these words for myself. Thank you.