It seems impossible to me that this month I will have already completed fifty-four years.
Where have the years gone?
Gone to longing, every one,
because hope is a stubborn thing.
We can never know about the days to come
But we think about them anyway,
And I wonder if I’m really with you now
Or just chasin’ after some finer day.
Anticipation by Carly Simon
From the time I was able to understand the delightfulness of living life in the presence of children, I wanted to be a mother. It took me, however, thirty-five years and no small number of devastating ‘romantic’ encounters to finally find someone brave enough to marry me. And those years of longing were, for the most part, spent aching for what I wanted, but did not have. With my grief came anger. Why, God? Why would you give me this mother’s heart, and yet keep me from motherhood for so long?
It is difficult to see when one is angry with God. There is a blindness that settles in that keeps us from recognizing the grace with which we live each day, for our hope lies ahead, in the not quite yet. I remember one Fourth of July long ago. I was preparing a large fresh peach cobbler, and a little four year old friend kept me company as I cooked. Once done, and put into the oven, the cobbler began to emit the incredible aroma which can only come from baking fresh peaches with a bit of cinnamon. My little friend asked me when we could eat the cobbler. I said that we would have to wait; wait till it finished baking, then wait for it to cool a bit. She looked me in the eye and said something so profound that I will never forget it:
“I can’t wait till we get to stop waiting.”
Indeed.
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Kelli Kennedy is a Southern California girl living in the Las Vegas desert, but anticipating a(nother) move in the near future. She spends her days thankful for two beautiful teenagers, and teaching English to people from other countries. She loves babies, talking, singing, the body of Christ and the Pacific Ocean. Someday she will paint.
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Dear Kelli, what a delight to read your posting today! Oh, has there been a more true sentence about our anger with God?: “There is a blindness that settles in that keeps us from recognizing the grace with which we live each day, for our hope lies ahead, in the not quite yet.” A true sage you are. Brilliant sentence for isn’t that our human dilemma which keeps us from joy and thankfulness? You have opened my eyes to the miracle of this day. I am grateful for your boys and you.
Thank you for your kind words, Becky, but any wisdom here has come about only as a result of my stubbornness colliding with God’s patient grace. I’ve been wanting to write for years and years, and am thankful for the challenge of writing here for Red Tent Living.