I am tired of people dying. I am weary of losing those I love.
My friend and mentor, Brent, died in a rock climbing accident fifteen years ago, and I am still caught off guard every once in a while when I hear him laugh in my ear when I am trying too hard to be helpful to people.
My brother Dick died of esophageal cancer eight years ago, and I still see his wry smile out of the corner of my eye, especially when I work a pun into a dinner conversation.
My mom Mary died five years ago after sixty seven years of marriage to my father. A few weeks ago, without thinking, I picked up the phone to call her. I couldn’t believe I had done it, but such is the ingrained desire to hear her sweet curiosity and the simple musings about the day.
I had a miscarriage.
My nephew Ryan died suddenly last December, and I ache as afternoon light gets low and we trek into the holidays; sometimes doubling over in pain for my sister and the hemorrhage in her mother’s heart.
My sweet canine companion of thirteen years, Cito, died a noble death last January. Her form tracks me on trails.
My father-in-law Roland died a few weeks ago from aggressive cancer we did not know he had, so this time the invitation is to walk into the waters of grief on behalf of my Steve’s kind heart as he grieves all who his father was, and was not, to him. Steve’s loss is familiar, but I have no way of predicting how his waters will swell and roll.
Such is grief. Capricious, unpredictable, comforting and honoring, rending, exhausting. It has a mind of its own, deciding to crash in unannounced in the middle of a baby shower, on a hike, in the middle of a business interaction or in the frozen food aisle; choosing to come quietly like a whisper in the hollow hours of early morning. There is no field manual for this stuff. It is different for everyone.
And for those of us who have tasted the goodness of God in the land of the living as we’ve known Jesus’ love, it is the stuff of our hope. Death is the doorway we are meant to hate, but a doorway none the less. A doorway taking us into brilliance, unencumbered creativity, splendid laughter, shameless relationship, the choicest meats and finest wine. If we listen carefully to our hearts, we know it to be true. And we know it with pristine clarity when we grieve. We do not grieve as those who have no hope – but I am convinced that the presence of hope makes grieving more potent. I want to be with my brother and my dog; but even more I want to be where they are, in that place, seeing them in fullness. I can’t wait to be full myself, because Jesus knows I tire of being cranky and impatient. I want to know what it is like to be certain of my belovedness.
For everyone, grief is the invitation to savor the sanctity of every moment of this precious life.
Some dialogue from the novel Goodbye for Now by Laurie Frankel, captures this:
“To love is to lose. It’s just that simple. Maybe not today but someday. It is the inevitable condition of humanity. Some sadness has no remedy. Some sadness you can’t make better.”
“But then why isn’t everyone walking around miserable all the time?”
“Because ice cream still tastes good. And sunny and seventy-five is still a lovely day. And funny movies make you laugh, and work is sometimes fulfilling, and a beer with a friend is nice. And other people love you, too. [Death] has been around since time immemorial. You’ve run up against it. And there’s no getting around or over it. You stop and build your life right there at the base of that wall. But it’s okay. That’s where everyone else is too. Everyone else is either there or on their way. There is no other side, but there’s plenty of space there to build a life and plenty of company. Welcome to the wall.”
Death really is the ‘grand leveler.’ There is no getting around it. And as much as I hate death, I really do love the heightened sense of life that comes in and around it. There is nothing as piercing as the days and hours around death. If you’ve had the privilege of walking with someone you love up to that corridor, you know what it is to watch them struggling like an emerging butterfly in a chrysalis to make it through to the other side, to let go, to allow death to carry them into Life. We just don’t want to say goodbye to the ice cream, laughter and movies. We just can’t imagine strongly enough that what waits for us – who waits for us – will make our greatest pleasures here seem like a shadow, a vapor, a dream in the mist.
 
Jan Meyers Proett has been a counselor for over twenty years and is the author of The Allure of Hope, Listening to Love, and Beauty and the Bitch: Grace for the Worst in Me. She has worked on behalf of exploited women internationally, but also loves the trails of Colorado, where she lives with her husband, Steve. Follow Jan at her Facebook author page, and her blog.
&n
bsp
Oh Jan…Jesus has made you so beautiful in all of the loss…
Thank you for sharing your heart in the kind way that you write, speak and simply are…you model true beauty.
Sending big hugs.
Amy, thank you so much. Hugs are very welcome, and yours are precious.
Jan thank-you for this. We can’t always make sense of the deaths around us. This post gives grief permission and helps make sense of the grieving.
Deb, I am grateful to hear that the post bring permission to grieve. It has been hard to give myself the permission to simply be exhausted, but I am – the cumulative impact is real, and I need time for true energy to return. I am grateful for the Life Jesus brings, sometimes in slow kindness…
Thank You, Jan.
Your vulnerability and words are a beautiful invitation to be true to my true heart.
I am currently walking through the loss of a spiritual momma…
At 28 years old, parts of my heart are coming to the surface and I have not yet known- and I thank you for the invitation to give ourselves grace- to ebb & flow in grace.
What a wild ride this life is…
Thank you for your words.
Dani. It is a wild ride, and no one can know your grief but you. I know you love deeply.. I am so sorry.
Jan my husband’s brother died suddenly Saturday morning. I cannot tell how comforting this is to me and members of our family. I love your” both and …” If we love anything or anybody we are signing up to pay the price of grief and it is so worth it and so terrible at the same time.
Michelle,
I am so sorry. Truly. Please tell your husband and family that they are thought of today, with sadness.
I have been hanging out on this wall for almost five years now. A widow I am, will be, and grasping full extent of my red tent has been difficult, painful, mind boggling. I have had to meet and get to know a “me” I had no knowledge of, had never existed until Feb 6, 2009. And if I did not know her, you can imagine how difficult and uncomfortable it has been for family and friends to meet her, to live with her, to get along with her. Bad news! This is the ugly side of grief. But you describe the silver lining also…the light not suffused, the light not diminished, the light remaining. And it has kept me putting one foot forward, slowly, on unsteady footing. Along the wall I meet new friends. Others who know this grief. Fellow travelers. Thanks, Jan! You are one! Your voice is needed!
Wow, Bonnie. What a description of your process. We can only imagine the courage it has required. Glad the kinder side of grief gives some strength for the long road…
Oh Jan, thanks for walking with God and sharing what you hear from him. I love how you talked about death creating opportunity for my eyes to be extra open to LIFE. In the wake of losing a spiritual parent while being a long way away, I had a tender moment this morning with a loved one here. Today. Right where I am. And then God fathered me in a way that hasn’t happened for a while. Intimacy and LIFE is what we’re meant for and where we’re headed…to be with the one who makes our deepest shadows be like a vapor in the mist. Thanks for redirecting me towards the superior reality.
Kim. I am truly so sorry for the loss you and so many have suffered. I am grateful for how you look for the superior reality. Bless you, so far away but so, so near.
Jan,
It’s odd, isn’t it? Or at least paradoxical. You opened your chest, showed us your heart, let us into your grief, and we feel free to pour ours out to you, which both lightens and deepens the reality of it for you and for us.
Thank you for being willing to risk more grief to help us hold ours, and may we hold yours well.
Many blessings and rich mercy,
Sue
Sue,
It is so true. Thank you, everyone, for giving to me as you bring me your own sorrow and hope.
You are able to capture in words what we experience in our mutterings. What an extraordinary accomplishment.
Paula,
Mutterings for sure. Thank you for your kind words.
Oh, Jan. Thank you for words of sorrow, words of grief. I long for there to be an end too.Very mindful of your one sentence, “I had a miscarriage”. Those words said a lot. Thank you for your vulnerability and the reminder that ice cream still tastes good. Beauty and suffering so beautifully described. The already and not yet of Romans 8:22. I heard your groaning.
Thank you, Becky. Love you so.
Dear Jan, I didn’t know you’d had a miscarriage; I’m so sorry. I read this right after seeing your post about your dad being close to death, and my heart aches to think of another loved one leaving you. My thoughts are with you.